I Do Not Like the Cone of Shame

I suck. :(

This week has been terrible, awful, and bad (all rolled into one) as far as eating is concerned. Like REALLY BAD. I think I ate well maybe one day out of this entire week and I am fighting a SERIOUS sugar/chocolate craving onslaught that is just insatiable! I don't know what to do. I literally was eating ganache and almond butter off a spoon less than 10 minutes ago. And not just one spoonful...like 4 spoonfuls. What. The. Fuck? What am I doing with my life right now? Ugh...Am I being too restrictive? Is that the problem? Should I go back to eating low-cal, mostly clean foods instead of entirely clean and low-carb/low-cal? I don't want to sabotage myself. My goal is to lose weight, but I want to be healthy also and I think I'm confused as to how to make all that happen and still eat the foods I want to eat and not crave bad shit all the time. Is that too lofty? Is that even possible or am I living in fairytale land? I think its time for a reevaluation. Let's run through my week:

Monday
Monday was a holiday so I didn't have class and neither did Bubs. We spent the day cooking and playing and when Hubs got home from work I went to the gym and ran a few miles and then did this weird recumbent elliptical thing. Whatev. It did the trick because my ass was definitely sore. I ate protein pancakes with homemade strawberry sauce and a hard boiled egg, kielbasa skillet with a salad, and balsamic pot roast with a little bit of Annie's mac and cheese and some corn. Not too bad. I was under my calorie goal. yay!

Tuesday
Ran two miles/walked two miles after class with a running buddy from my class. I had pancakes with strawberry sauce, pumpkin chili with an avocado, kielbasa skillet and cauliflower fried rice, and no-sugar added vanilla ice cream with sugar-free chocolate syrup (while only 108 calories, definitely NOT clean). I was under my calorie goal though.

Wednesday
This is where the troubles REALLY began. I didn't have any class on Wednesday and miraculously the stars aligned and Hubs had a scheduled day off from work. So we had an entire day to ourselves because Bubs still had school. This week is restaurant week for our city so we decided to go to one of the participating restaurants for lunch! BAD IDEA. First of all, restaurant week lunch is supposed to be $10 prix fixe. Did we order off the prix fixe menu? Of course not. We had...goat cheese and crab dip with about 100 little pita triangles, a grit cake topped with bacon gravy, a calamari caesar salad, and key lime pie (oh and maybe a bottle of cider...maybe). ALL FREAKING AMAZING...but definitely not clean or calorie-friendly (or wallet friendly because we spent like $60). On top of all of that, I had to go home and make cupcakes for one of my team members' birthdays! I made boston cream pie cupcakes that were REALLY good. (Side note: I LOVE to bake--especially cupcakes and I spend a lot of time around my friends' birthdays thinking of new and interesting cupcake flavors...everyone gets a different flavor, every time). But of course, I had to taste test them. So I had two. Also, I had a ton of leftover ganache so I've been eating that for the past two days with random stuff....just wait! Anyway, and I also had some leftover pumpkin chili later in the evening. Definitely not under my calorie goal, even though I did go to yoga in the morning.

Thursday
I thought that Thursday was my day. I had pancakes and strawberry sauce, chili with an avocado, and then came the birthday celebrations. Fuck. I had a cupcake, of course. But I took it a step further and ate like 400 butter snap pretzels. See, the thing is...my teammate eats these fucking pretzels everyday so we decided to get him a really girly piñata and fill it with them. So, after he smashed open said piñata, we sat through a 4 hour lecture just munching away mindlessly. So I vowed that I would not eat anything for the rest of the day after that and that I would skip dinner. Yea, that didn't work. I went to the gym and rode the shit out of a stationary bike for 30 minutes because that's all the time that I had before I had to pick up Bubs from school, and when I got home I snuck two pieces of my husband's pepperoni pizza AND THEN I made chocolate covered strawberries with some of the leftover ganache. Did we save any of the strawberries for a later date? Umm fuck no, we ate the entire god damn pint of strawberries right then and there. And I STILL had leftover ganache. Under the calorie goal? No way in hell.

Friday
Ahhhh today. Today I got my ass up at 5 am and went to bikram. Then I had a gala apple and two tablespoons of almond butter and a hardboiled egg for breakfast, followed by pumpkin chili for lunch. Good, right? I followed my pumpkin chili with some ganache/peanut butter on a spoon...and a glass of WHOLE milk because that's what was in the fridge. Fail. For dinner, I made mushroom cap pizzas (recipe coming), but for good measure I still ate 1.5 slices of the pizza that Hubs and Bubs were sharing and followed all that wonderfulness up with the 4 tablespoons of almond butter/ganache that I mentioned earlier. SO NOT UNDER MY CALORIE GOAL!

On the plus side, the MOTHER FUCKING ganache is gone!!!! Praise Jesus.

So that's my week. Yay me. I suck. I need to change some shit for next week. I can't keep eating like this or I'm going to gain some serious weight. Why do I have no self control? I think next week I'm going to give myself a little bit of room on the "clean eating" front and just eat healthy and smaller portions to see if I can get myself back into the groove. I'm going to add back in some whole wheat pasta, and I'm planning on making that pumpkin chili again, only this time with black beans instead of chickpeas and I won't be eating any avocados this week because they are really heavy on calories (yes, I know they are good for me, but WAY too many calories to justify eating them every single day). I put the remaining pancakes in my freezer for a later date because I'm getting bored of them, so I plan on having fruit and hardboiled eggs (and maybe some whole grain toast) for breakfast this next week. Hopefully I can change it up enough to get my ass back into gear. My only question is what do I do if I get a craving for sweets/chocolate? I'm looking into buying PB2 at Whole Foods tomorrow. I wonder if I can make that banana shake with PB2 instead to lighten the calories for when I have a sugar craving...just a thought.

I will say that my one shining star from this week is that I exercised every single day. Even if I didn't have time, I squeezed it in, and I made the effort to do something each day. So I will give myself THAT. Hopefully it means something.

Anyway, this all starts tomorrow, of course. The sooner the better. I have tickets to a huge basketball game tomorrow! My school is playing one of our conference rivals and we just lost BAD this week, so I'm sure there will be a crazy crowd trying to help them get their shit together. Should be fun! The game is early in the afternoon so I'm hoping to get a run in immediately afterward! We shall see!

Please send some positive vibes that I will get over this madness sooner rather than later and start inching closer to my goals. I am afraid to weigh myself at this point and I probably won't even do so until late next week....

sigh....here's to a NEW start...immediately.